31 December 2012

Happy New Year?

I just poked my toddler in the eye.


I also hit her on the head with my bottle, kneed her in the boob and stuck my foot in her fanny.

Oh, that's not quite right is it.

Now I remember. This is what SHE did to ME.

I would like to point out that if I did in fact do the above things to my toddler that I would be arrested. Yet she can do them with impunity. I believe this is a blatant case of age discrimination. I could start a petition, I could stage a rally, I could make an application to some overpaid European Court on Human Rights grounds.

But I’m not going to do that. You know what I am going to do? I'm gonna call the police and have her arrested.
Yes I will.

They can take her down the slammer and lock her up and keep her there for at least five hours.
And don't bother trying to call her parents because we won’t be in. Becasue I’m planning to do it on New Year’s eve at 7pm.

Oh come on people, have you seen the cost of babysitters on New Year’s Eve?

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20 December 2012

Merry Christmas y'all

What is the best thing about Christmas?

Some say it’s the special time you spend with your family, some say it’s celebrating the birth of the saviour of the world, and yet others say it is showing your loved ones you care.

I say bollocks to that.

I say tis the season to be self-indulgent.

Christmas is the time when my musician husband is out working almost every night. It is also the time that my toddler is asleep relatively early having exhausted herself by ripping apart the Christmas tree, stuffing her face with the entire advent calendar chocolates in one sitting and running up to everything in any shop that is shiny or red.

Consequently I am now sitting on the couch in my jimmy jams (pyjamas), surrounded by liqueur chocolates, eating a selection of party food from the freezer and watching a Christmas cooking program that I intend to try and emulate when that now stuffed and roasted turkey jumps off the plate and does a salsa on the frozen surfaces of hell.  

And I am NOT sharing my food with anyone else or having it stolen from my plate by a miniature person who is perfectly capable of feeding herself but prefers her handmaiden to serve her to the accompaniment of the ear-piercing whine of "mummy do it, mummy do it" which is actually a legal form of torture under the Geneva Convention (oh yes it its - I've looked it up).

The best thing about Christmas?  Pretending to be single and childless.

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